once upon a time.

Once upon a time I had a capable brain and I used it on a daily basis. Once upon a time I wasn’t fat. Once upon a time I had cute clothes, and reason to wear them.  Once upon a time I had some sort of ability to leave the house by myself every once in a while.

It is a hard adjustment, being a SAHM. I am 2.5 years into it and it’s still just really hard most days.

If I tried to think rightly about this, to frame this through the right theological lens, I would think about how God is shaping me in His image, and stripping all these other things i used to find identity, and life, in, away.

And maybe on some level I know that those things I listed above are stupid. Those things don’t matter in the realm of eternity. Maybe deep down I know that there is abundant life underneath it all.

But today? Today I am just saying that it feels like I am dying. Like I am losing some part of me I used to know and understand and there is this ‘other’ me lurking, slowly being revealed. My rottenness, my crucified self, was always there. Just here in my house, with my family, the things I used to hide behind — a good night’s sleep, physical attractiveness (or feeling pretty), my intellectual prowess, etc. — are being removed by what I can only hope is God’s refining power in my life.

But today? Today, all of this feels like i am dying, and every cell of my body is rebelling against this dying to self.



6 responses to “once upon a time.

  1. I know exactly what you mean. Exactly. (((Hugs)))

  2. This really resonates with me. Really, REALLY. The dying to flesh is well it HARD.

    I’ve been trying to mediate on a promise every day, today it’s I’ve been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives within me.

    ~Jess (new blog)

  3. Link’s not working: here’s the new one: http://journeytowardhim.wordpress.com/

  4. OH Alissa, How well I know the path you are on. You crave 2 seconds of peace of mind and clothes that fit (p.s. I saw you today and you are not even close to fat. You are looking amazing!) and just one reason to put on a tiny bit of make up -and the energy to actually do it. This season will pass. And you will come through it beautifully. You will live to tell some other SAHM that she too will survive. I love you and can’t wait to spend the morning with you tomorrow.

  5. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Wow. You really hit it on the head. At least you can still express in words your emotions and convey them in a way that is understandable to others. I have lost that ability along with many many brain cells (I’m sure) since becoming a SAHM 3 years ago. I love the part about having cute clothes and having a reason to wear them! And also physical attractiveness or “feeling pretty.” Definitely going to subscribe to your blog posts. Thanks Birkel family. 🙂

    • Tim and Alissa Birkel

      Thanks for stopping by! My posts are infrequent at best, but I am glad that I struck a chord with you with this one.

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