frustrated by my frustration.

I was told after my last post that I seemed a little down, and that, in the future, I should only write happy, upbeat things.

It’s just really freaking hard to be happy and upbeat on, like, 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours. I don’t know what it is, but I hit a wall of sleeplessness and something snaps in my brain and the whole world better watch out, because mama ain’t happy. I really become totally irrational and inconsolable, like a junkie needed her fix or something. It’s bad.

It’s like there is a constant war in my heart. On the one hand, I know, deep down, that someday I am going to actually be sad when no one cries for me in the night. I will miss the endless messes and the sticky fingers. As I rock Henry to sleep, singing him beautiful hymns and just relishing his weight, his peaceful heaviness, in my arms, I want to memorize him, breathe him in, never, ever forget his eyelashes, or his dimples, or his contented sighs and his sleep songs. But then after trying to put him down and sneak out of the room only to have him wake up 3 times in a row I start to get a little impatient and frustrated and mad and tired and crabby and I just want to go to sleep. And then I am frustrated by my own frustration.

I think, on some level, these frustrations stem from unrealistic expectations — I expect to have an easy time getting my kids to sleep, and then when that doesn’t happen for whatever reason, I get mad. I expect my 2.5 year old to never whine and never throw tantrums over really random things, and then when he does whine and he does throw tantrums, I get mad. Where is it written that children shall be easy to put to bed, should sleep all night, should never act like children? Where is it written that I deserve better?

Why can’t I just enjoy it for what it is? I am going to miss it someday, even though sometimes it isn’t fun now. It’s hard to believe sometimes when I am so effing tired but I really will miss it.  It is a constant battle trying to enjoy and savor moments that in the moment are not savory or enjoyable.  I don’t know what the secret is. I haven’t figure that out yet.

For now, I am going to:

  • pray for eyes to see the moments as I should see them.
  • breathe.
  • know that everyone will sleep eventually.
  • breathe.
  • answer one of Sam’s endless questions one more time.
  • breathe.
  • nurse the baby again.
  • breathe.
  • eat lots of dark green leafies, drink enough water, and take my B vitamins and inositol.
  • breathe.
  • give one more hug and one more kiss before bedtime. “Can I hold you?”
  • breathe.
  • kiss Henry’s sweet fuzzy head as I bounce him to sleep again.
  • breathe.
  • breathe.
  • breathe.

3 responses to “frustrated by my frustration.

  1. How’d you get inside my head?? Although it isn’t always it’s lately been getting toddler to take a nap and getting through the incessant tantrums over the most crazy things…I’m sure God thinks I throw tantrums over stupid things to though.

    Good reminder to remember that these are after all KIDS!
    Oh and to breathe, breathe, pause and breathe again. Waiting for God’s help and knowing it will come is huge. I keep asking for wisdom. I’m plumb out of my own. I am at such a loss as to know how to get my child to take her nap which she needs so desperately. If you figure out the secret please, please let me know!!

  2. Oh and I meant to add about your last post. If you can’t be honest on your blog that’s sad! The Psalmists are very honest about their feelings and through writing them out they resolve a lot and get to the Truth. Walking in the light, sometimes it helps to write and write until we see the Truth and God gives peace. There are no easy trials or easy answers. Only walking through the darkness knowing God IS there.

  3. Tim and Alissa Birkel

    Sam has recently been very resistant to naps…so instead of naps I just enforce quiet time. From 2 to 4 pm he has to stay in his room (he can’t open it from the inside) and be quiet, look at books, and play quietly with toys. Sometimes if he is really tired he will crash in bed but other times he just plays. It makes it easier to put him to bed at night when he doesn’t really nap and I think he sleeps better at night, too. So that’s what we’ve been doing. I was really getting aggravated at the constant nap battle and having it take 2+ hours just to lie down and go to sleep. So I just gave up. He is really crabby around dinnertime but he goes to bed earlier and easier. It’s hard though when they are crabby and obviously could use a nap but just refuse to sleep. Quiet time has been my sanity saver…and I actually think Sam likes it, too. He doesn’t fight me on it now and I think benefits from playing by himself for a little while.

    As for writing upbeat things…it is a fine line for me to walk between being honest and complaining…sometimes I justify it by saying I am just being honest but in my heart I am complaining (like you said in your blog post). So that is a balance I am trying to achieve. Haven’t figured that out either.

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